and... GO!

I woke up this morning and really needed to write. That's how my blog should be, one that comes a bit from the mind and a bit from the heart. Wordsworth said "poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings... recollected in tranquility." I'm starting to organize my brain out a little.

I returned to California almost a week ago now. It has been wonderful. I've already gone to Disneyland, eaten many of the foods I sorely missed, and reconnected with friends I hadn't seen in a long time, whether at University, here at home, and even my own family, especially my sister. Cali Foodie and I had a wonderful drive across country, and I have my travel notes ready for the blog. We've also continued to hang out several times already, which has led to some really good food too. I'm starting to slip back into the LA and OC world and I like that.

However, there's a level of anxiety that comes with change. I have actually been doing ok coping, though  really I think it's been more of an ignoring. When I left for Ohio, I had a lot of anxiety and hope as to what was going to happen. I returned with the hope but the anxiety started to seep in a little more over the last week. What if I don't get a job? Where am I supposed to be? What is really next for me? I know I need to be here in CA. I know that surprisingly clearly. However, I had a vague plan in my head as to what to do next, but is that actually what I'm called to do?

As religious as I am, this idea of being called to something is really important. It reflects that God has a use for me in this world and I want to fulfill that use. It does not mean that everything is predestined. God has a plan but I'm the one functioning in the world and I make my own choices. So I choose what to pursue what to put my attention to what needs doing. But I can offer a little more control of my life to God. And that's where my anxiety is coming from. I need to trust God a little more. And that's scary.

It's a little counter-intuitive to let go of the desire to control everything. In fact, in my field we try to control everything. Educate people on all levels. But education is at its core helping people learn to help themselves. I cannot control what lessons stick with my students or how they will apply the things they've learned. Just like I can't control who will hire me or who will not. Its not that I sit back and let all that stuff happen. Know I have my "conversations" with my students or I interview to the best of my ability. But I can only control how I react to things. So I have to have faith. More faith anyway.

So as I mentally ponder through my mornings anxieties work and money and what that next big step in life for someone in his mid twenties who showed up going "I'm here! This is where I need to be! Now what?" faith is what I need to start establishing. I need to reestablish a strong faith base. That's what sent me to Ohio in the first place if you recall the blog. The literal sign in the trees that said Ohio. That same faith is how I'm going to get to my next steps.

It's kinda funny. When I went to OSU, I had the path but not really the support group that comes with it. Now that I'm back, I have the support group but not the path. Life's a pendulum of challenge and support.

-JTY

Listening to: Alive Again- Matt Maher haven't done the religious music in a while but it's always been good for me.

Reading: The Great Gatsby- Fitzgerald, its been like 10 years since I read it in high school, I think I'll reread it before I see any movies. I might not finish this one though.

Playing: Skyward Sword at freaking last. Thanks Dungeon Daddy for the loan!