I woke up this morning and really needed to write. That's how my blog should be, one that comes a bit from the mind and a bit from the heart. Wordsworth said "poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings... recollected in tranquility." I'm starting to organize my brain out a little.
I returned to California almost a week ago now. It has been wonderful. I've already gone to Disneyland, eaten many of the foods I sorely missed, and reconnected with friends I hadn't seen in a long time, whether at University, here at home, and even my own family, especially my sister. Cali Foodie and I had a wonderful drive across country, and I have my travel notes ready for the blog. We've also continued to hang out several times already, which has led to some really good food too. I'm starting to slip back into the LA and OC world and I like that.
However, there's a level of anxiety that comes with change. I have actually been doing ok coping, though really I think it's been more of an ignoring. When I left for Ohio, I had a lot of anxiety and hope as to what was going to happen. I returned with the hope but the anxiety started to seep in a little more over the last week. What if I don't get a job? Where am I supposed to be? What is really next for me? I know I need to be here in CA. I know that surprisingly clearly. However, I had a vague plan in my head as to what to do next, but is that actually what I'm called to do?
As religious as I am, this idea of being called to something is really important. It reflects that God has a use for me in this world and I want to fulfill that use. It does not mean that everything is predestined. God has a plan but I'm the one functioning in the world and I make my own choices. So I choose what to pursue what to put my attention to what needs doing. But I can offer a little more control of my life to God. And that's where my anxiety is coming from. I need to trust God a little more. And that's scary.
It's a little counter-intuitive to let go of the desire to control everything. In fact, in my field we try to control everything. Educate people on all levels. But education is at its core helping people learn to help themselves. I cannot control what lessons stick with my students or how they will apply the things they've learned. Just like I can't control who will hire me or who will not. Its not that I sit back and let all that stuff happen. Know I have my "conversations" with my students or I interview to the best of my ability. But I can only control how I react to things. So I have to have faith. More faith anyway.
So as I mentally ponder through my mornings anxieties work and money and what that next big step in life for someone in his mid twenties who showed up going "I'm here! This is where I need to be! Now what?" faith is what I need to start establishing. I need to reestablish a strong faith base. That's what sent me to Ohio in the first place if you recall the blog. The literal sign in the trees that said Ohio. That same faith is how I'm going to get to my next steps.
It's kinda funny. When I went to OSU, I had the path but not really the support group that comes with it. Now that I'm back, I have the support group but not the path. Life's a pendulum of challenge and support.
-JTY
Listening to: Alive Again- Matt Maher haven't done the religious music in a while but it's always been good for me.
Reading: The Great Gatsby- Fitzgerald, its been like 10 years since I read it in high school, I think I'll reread it before I see any movies. I might not finish this one though.
Playing: Skyward Sword at freaking last. Thanks Dungeon Daddy for the loan!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Here we go again
**In this episode, I ponder my upcoming travels, job, and moving back to CA**
My time in Ohio is wrapping up. I finished my last paper almost two weeks ago (and got the grades to prove I will actually be graduating Friday). I spent last week in Florida (mini travel blog may or may not happen soon). Today was my last day at work. Things are coming to a close. I've started doing that thing in my head where I say goodbye to someone and wonder if I'll ever see them again. Its kinda surreal. In fact, while I was walking away from my office, knowing I would not be returning, I felt I weird weight behind me, an emotional tugging as if I were pulling my thread out of their tapestry of time, off to make my own creation while theirs weaves onward in a different direction. In order words, I'm slowly departing Ohio over the next two weeks rather than in one fluid motion.
So here we go again. Time for goodbyes, adieus, and of course, my standard: See ya when I see ya. But before I get all nostalgic and reflective on my time here, there's plenty of partying to do and bucket lists to fulfill. My parents arrive tonight, and I will be doing the Columbus tour with them tomorrow, alongside my retired aunt who lives here and I've yet to visit. Friday should feature a trip to Cleveland for the rock and roll hall of fame and to see my cousin. Saturday is hooding and Sunday graduation with Obama speaking. Monday and Tuesday are packing for my impending road trip with Cali Foodie next weekend. It's ending so fast!
I think one of the things I'm most looking forward to in the road trip, besides going with my travel buddy, Cali, and visiting the sites, is creating a bunch of great playlists for the drive. My last few trips I've wanted to update my ipod with good stuff, but then I always run out of time. Of course, this means I need to find my ipod, which is the same one I've had since freshmen year of college! Probably time to update, but I have been so Android heavy, I never bothered with an iPhone and never got around to an iTouch. Someday soon, when I have a job.
The job thing is still pending. I expect responses in the next few weeks. I'm excited for my future in residence life. I miss those days when I had a staff to work with. I think its a testament to my blog regulars like Dr. Naysayer P Squirrel, Banana Slug, Pokeboss, Captain Peanut, Red Button, and many others that I loved my previous job, in a big part because of them. I've also lately been reflecting on my RA days, which brought my some of my best friends like Dungeon Daddy, Heavy Spy, Mother Mapster, Micki Granger, Tenshi, Spotty Sister, Steakhouse, Chai Ducky, and so many others (half the cast of characters really). Mapster and I in particular were discussing the level of safety, familiarity, comfort and independence that we think about when we look back on those days. I want to create those opportunities for my students and residents again. It's interesting, because in my cohort of almost 30, only myself, Tall Bear, Cali Foodie, Hopeful Introspective, and one or two others are willing to take ResLife jobs. People don't like the idea of living in ResHalls and the long wild hours of on call response. To me, its something I yearn for. I can't wait.
Until then, though, I get to live at home. I'm glad to be closer to my family. Way closer. Maybe to close? Two months minimum living there, based on prospective job start times. I'm not sure where I'm sleeping yet even. It might be the first time all 5 of us will be spending any prolonged period of time under the same roof since I came home for summer back after my sophomore year of college. I hope it goes well. It should go well, I'm actually not worried. I shouldn't be, right?
So yes, big changes coming. I'm trying to get back into the blogging thing more consistently, and not just the travel blogs that are more for me than you. Until then, have a lovely week!
Listening to: Tale a Bow- Muse, seems fitting for endings. and new beginnings.
Reading: A Shadow in the Wind, Zafon, for my diligent readers, you'll notice that I was reading this book two years ago. I still haven't finished. Freaking grad school.
Playing: Castle TD, a tower defense game on my phone. It's too addicting.
My time in Ohio is wrapping up. I finished my last paper almost two weeks ago (and got the grades to prove I will actually be graduating Friday). I spent last week in Florida (mini travel blog may or may not happen soon). Today was my last day at work. Things are coming to a close. I've started doing that thing in my head where I say goodbye to someone and wonder if I'll ever see them again. Its kinda surreal. In fact, while I was walking away from my office, knowing I would not be returning, I felt I weird weight behind me, an emotional tugging as if I were pulling my thread out of their tapestry of time, off to make my own creation while theirs weaves onward in a different direction. In order words, I'm slowly departing Ohio over the next two weeks rather than in one fluid motion.
So here we go again. Time for goodbyes, adieus, and of course, my standard: See ya when I see ya. But before I get all nostalgic and reflective on my time here, there's plenty of partying to do and bucket lists to fulfill. My parents arrive tonight, and I will be doing the Columbus tour with them tomorrow, alongside my retired aunt who lives here and I've yet to visit. Friday should feature a trip to Cleveland for the rock and roll hall of fame and to see my cousin. Saturday is hooding and Sunday graduation with Obama speaking. Monday and Tuesday are packing for my impending road trip with Cali Foodie next weekend. It's ending so fast!
I think one of the things I'm most looking forward to in the road trip, besides going with my travel buddy, Cali, and visiting the sites, is creating a bunch of great playlists for the drive. My last few trips I've wanted to update my ipod with good stuff, but then I always run out of time. Of course, this means I need to find my ipod, which is the same one I've had since freshmen year of college! Probably time to update, but I have been so Android heavy, I never bothered with an iPhone and never got around to an iTouch. Someday soon, when I have a job.
The job thing is still pending. I expect responses in the next few weeks. I'm excited for my future in residence life. I miss those days when I had a staff to work with. I think its a testament to my blog regulars like Dr. Naysayer P Squirrel, Banana Slug, Pokeboss, Captain Peanut, Red Button, and many others that I loved my previous job, in a big part because of them. I've also lately been reflecting on my RA days, which brought my some of my best friends like Dungeon Daddy, Heavy Spy, Mother Mapster, Micki Granger, Tenshi, Spotty Sister, Steakhouse, Chai Ducky, and so many others (half the cast of characters really). Mapster and I in particular were discussing the level of safety, familiarity, comfort and independence that we think about when we look back on those days. I want to create those opportunities for my students and residents again. It's interesting, because in my cohort of almost 30, only myself, Tall Bear, Cali Foodie, Hopeful Introspective, and one or two others are willing to take ResLife jobs. People don't like the idea of living in ResHalls and the long wild hours of on call response. To me, its something I yearn for. I can't wait.
Until then, though, I get to live at home. I'm glad to be closer to my family. Way closer. Maybe to close? Two months minimum living there, based on prospective job start times. I'm not sure where I'm sleeping yet even. It might be the first time all 5 of us will be spending any prolonged period of time under the same roof since I came home for summer back after my sophomore year of college. I hope it goes well. It should go well, I'm actually not worried. I shouldn't be, right?
So yes, big changes coming. I'm trying to get back into the blogging thing more consistently, and not just the travel blogs that are more for me than you. Until then, have a lovely week!
Listening to: Tale a Bow- Muse, seems fitting for endings. and new beginnings.
Reading: A Shadow in the Wind, Zafon, for my diligent readers, you'll notice that I was reading this book two years ago. I still haven't finished. Freaking grad school.
Playing: Castle TD, a tower defense game on my phone. It's too addicting.
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