Photographing love

It has been a very nice week.

I haven't been able to report that for a while, but it has. Life is very good.

This is an interesting point to make because we've spent much of our diversity class for my higher ed program talking about power and privilege. This is always very heavy stuff that evokes a lot of emotions, conflict (internal and external) and a sense of weariness that the world is not that happy, fair, or enjoyable a place to live in. But I really enjoyed wrestling with questions like whether it is a good idea to have a multi-cultural specialist focused for white students. Or whether it is good or bad to be colorblind to race (hint: both of these things are likely bad ideas, but it's important to understand the definitions and implications behind them). The point is, we have been struggling through these topics as a class and I love watching the debate. I think of things and perspectives I hadn't considered and feel very open to hearing all perspectives. I know not everyone in the class has had that same positive feeling from this. People get unintentionally hurt or isolated or cut off. And the conversations are reflections of deep rooted issues preventing students from feeling welcome, safe, or able to exist in their college, their home, their country.

It's really easy to feel the weight of the world when your job is to prepare students for life after college. In fact, even as I write this, I feel the pressure of questions like how can I support an African American student who is getting messages from all directions that he is the token, the representative of his race, and that his race is one of poor, lazy, uneducated people? Or how can I help a white student see that she is privileged because does not have to even think about her skin color when she gets a ticket for public intoxication? Or how can I help a Latino student who is so distraught about being one of the few people of his race on campus also see that he has privilege as a straight male?

This list goes on and that's just stuff around mostly race. So you can see how heavy these conversations can get. But while this has been an awesome week anyway, something hit me in church today as I was hearing the reading about Jesus saying we should have faith like children. He was saying, kids don't judge they just love freely and completely. And as I think about all these theories and considerations and conversations that address the complexity of each persons situation, such a simple message is comforting. Love everyone. Love them completely, love them for who they are. Love everyone. Yeah, I think that's simple enough.

I know loving everyone is hard. Hard to love the person who just cut you off, or the person that broke up with and hurt your friend, or the prisoner on death row for a crime he committed. So its not an easy fix to say love everyone. But its something we understand, we know how to do. So when I meet that student who I just cannot seem to see where they are coming from, or has gone through stuff I've never experienced, its OK. Just sit back and let them be who they are, and show them nothing but love.

On another note, the art center here on campus has an Anne Leibovitz exhibit right now. For those of you who just googled her name, so did I, but I know her by her work as many of you do too. She's the photographer for Rolling Stone Magazine who photo'd John Lennon 5 hours before he died. She also has a ton of other pictures, like the controversial Demi Moore pregnant and naked. The exhibit had so many amazing celebrity photos with the likes of Michael Jordan, Mick Jagger, Louis Armstrong, politicians like the Obamas and Clintons, the Bush cabinet, the Queen of England, and on and on and on I go. Each photograph was spectacular. Powerful. Emotional. Touching. I haven't seen such stirring pictures in a long time. I went with Cali Foodie, Powder Climber, and Cardmaster Cider, along with a Korean friend of ours. We also ran into Giant Leader and Niceguy Mundo, and a few other people from our cohort. Afterward, despite the pouring rain (also note it always rains when I walk outside these days), we went out for drinks and briefly caught Tall Bear and his girlfriend on their way out of a concert. It was a great evening and started the weekend right.

I think I've caught people up enough on my life these days. Know that all is spectacular on my end and I hope it is for you too. Good day to you!

-JTY

Listening to: Dancing Days- Led Zeppelin, a fitting song indeed

Reading: Slaughterhouse-5 since I fail as an English major and haven't read this, I'm going to fail at doing my HESA reading and read this instead

Playing: Borderlands 2- very funny well written game so far

Giving and grieving

     So i start this blog in CA as i just spend the weekend here for Punk Sisters funeral. As you heard two weeks ago, she passed away from a heart attack at age 22. It came as a shock to everyone and on and off for the last two weeks it will randomly hit us.
     I'm not really a cryer, nor am I one that has a fear or anger at death per say. But i am also hyper conscious that grieving is important and make sure i do accordingly. For me, thats blogging, thats coming out to this funeral, that spending time with those who knew her, and thats verbally processing with people back home, my folks, Spam Boa, Steakhouse, Cali Foodie, and even in my counseling class. As far as personal hardships go, my life is far from complete breakdown. But i was feeling a bit down this week, especially right after counseling class.
     As i debriefed with Cali Foodie, one thing about being a relationship builder is you feel a strong connection to those around you and root for them, at least for me. So when i heard about Spam Boa and his closest friend in Utah passing away, I feel it. I feel bad that I can't be there for him. I want to help but just feel like i can't do anything. This "cant do anything" concept i think is part of mourning. I suppose i could look at a psych book about the researched ideas, but call this a qualitative study of one.
     I say can't do anything, but there is prayer, which for me is a big part of how i cope. I was talking with Steakhouse, who was kind enough to pick me up and drop me off at the airport. Prayer for me is one way i handle stuff, Gods in charge and i lay it before him. But that is not comforting to everyone. For some, its infuriating to be told just pray about it, it will get better. Thats something i believe but its not exactly comforting to someone who doesnt find comfort in prayer in the first place. One thing i have found that even as i pray and spend time at church, i also can talk to God through talking with others. God helps us by bringing people in our lives, and listens through those people. So a debrief with a friend is also a debrief with God, as i see it. Why wouldnt God take multiple approaches to help?
     Another thing related to the cant do anything is that i feel bad i cant be home to support my family and friends when necessary. I mentioned this to Cali as take care of my brother and sister and she said maybe they dont need caring. Completely true, they are both totally capable and dont need me for day to day stuff. I meant more like if something happens, good or bad, i want to be there to share with them as possible. I didnt go home every weekend or even every month when i lived there. But i could look as needed, and thats what i want to be able to do. Help as needed. So as i look for jobs and see some in washington, colorado, and even nor cal, i get scared at the permanence of starting a career away from those i want to be around. I have to do whats right for me in the long run and a career position is next in life. Im at the point in my life where i want to be settled for a while. No more moving every year or two, no more wondering if i'll have a job next year or the year after.
     Ive gotten sidetracked a bit from my other concern, which i noticed in counseling class. Some people said they dont view people as inherently good. Thats fine that they think that but its so counter to me to feel that way that it made me very sad. Such a mindset borders on existentialist and would lead me to a lack of purpose. If people arent good, why bother? If there is no good to work for what is the point? Existing just to exist seems so minimalist. Can someone help me with understanding that idea?
      Related, then, was the funeral for Punk Sister. the service was a combination of buddhist and taoist ritual. There was a kind of shrine in the middle of the room with pictures, objects and food on the table.  There was chanting and cymbals and a ceremonial last meal placed in the coffin. We lit incense three or four times throughout, and we processed around the room paying our respects. One of my questioning moments was what happens to a non-christian when they die. What really happens? Not what every message out there supposedly says that they are destined to hell. I cant and dont believe that. Noone is destined anywhere, our actions throughout life actually have meaning. Moreover, noone her on earth can know what happens after death. Noone can pass judgment. God makes that call and his mercy and love, the things i believe in, are at play when our time comes. Ive been of the understanding that we choose God, or not, and that heaven is choosing him and hell is the absence of being with God. so that free will is ultimately between Punk Sister and God. and i take comfort in that. I also found, as i was mediating and reflecting during the funeral, that God was present in this ceremony just like any other service. He was just wearing different clothes. Again, He's playing with all the cards and can touch our lives in different ways. So I saw Him at the service, just like i saw him in China, Ohio, Rome and California. Maybe being a Christian means learning to spot God in all aspects of life. So even as I buried a friend, bowed three times to honor her, and turned my back as instructed while the coffin was lowered, I took part in a deep, new, powerful ritual much like when i buried my other friend January last year, or saw at Tenshi and Spotty Sister's father's funeral April last year. I told Banana Slug and Steakhouse: we really have to stop meeting like this.
     So thats how i mourned, i spent time with dear friends, joked, hugged, reflected and remembered. It was over so fast, the ceremony, and i couldnt had help but think it was sudden, just like her passing.
To end on a positive, optimistic note, because Lord knows thats what we need after hearing about this stuff, i spent a few hours with Red Button, Shyly Sue Hoo, and Pokeboss. Captain Peanut was away at a family funeral (of course...), so my thoughts were with him. But it was really really good to see them. To hear about university life, RA training, team building, and all the stuff that got me so into higher ed in the first place. Pokeboss and i were on the same page, making the same jokes at the same time and just having a blast. Red Button is doing my own job and im so proud of her work so far. Laughing at dinner, those are memories to cherish because sometimes its the little moments that refresh the soul.
     On to Columbus for more of those moments!

-JTY
Listening to-Reading- Just Dance, lady gaga, be proud Brock. I got my ipod on shuffled playlist. This one is my staff time one from my last year at University.
Reading- More than listening, my counseling book. Its good to read, onto practice!
Playing- word of goo on my phone cuz im on a plane... though civilization doesnt need internet... hmmmmmm

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