Some words his you like a boulder, heavy and instantly crushing.
Some words hit you like needle, sharp and painful at first but not too deep, just nagging.
Some words don't hit you but hug you like your comforting mother after you've scraped you knee.
And sometimes words feel like your leg falling asleep, at first you are numb and you think you can walk it off but you get a weird tingling sensation that you aren't sure if its going to hurt or just be a throbbing slightly crippling sensation for a while.
That last one was how I felt when I learned Punk Sister died this weekend.
While she was not my actual biological sister, she was someone I was good friends with for a time while I supervised her back at the University. I don't bestow the term sister loosely (whatever Cheeky Monkey may think), and Punk was someone I not only had the pleasure of mentoring and watching be oh so successful in her jobs at University, but she was someone I could talk and confide in, and share bits of insight I couldn't necessary impart on all staff members. Moreover, between myself and Naysayer P Squirrel, we were excited to help her get into graduate school in Colorado for Higher Education and Student Affairs. So she would be my sister and colleague in the very field I'm in still, graduating at the same time as me. Instead, she has a heart attack that her body couldn't bounce back from.
When you get that numbing, throbbing news, for me at least passing the word on feels like you are in a dog pile and another person just jumped on top, you can feel the pressure pushing down on top of you and telling someone else heavy, tragic news just adds a weight of sadness. Everyone reacts the same, stunned silence and shock. It weighs on you.
I heard the news at 4:30am. Why was I still awake? I guess luck and the weekend nature of my nocturnal stupidity worked in my favor. To hear Naysayer P Squirrel with tears in his throat, who'd just returned from celebrating his birthday to such horrible news, hurts. He was even closer to Punk Sister than I was, having worked with her the longest. Steakhouse was on staff with her. The new numbed her too. I had to pass the word to Heavy Spy and Tenshi, who also worked closely with her and Steakhouse. I passed word to Chai Ducky, who share that staff bond with me and her. In fact, on our last week on staff together, Chai Ducky, Punk Sister and I went out for tacos for the first time as just friends and not supervisor supervisee. That was my next reaction to the throbbing, remembering the good times.
Like all the staff videos to introduce her to her residents. Like the extra leadership clips Punk Sister worked on over the summer such as RAbot. When I first got to know her on my first day as a supervisor, when she and Naysayer were talking about craziness of Degrassi, which she had been watching all summer long for the slow office assistant days. How she would always be on top of her programs and passives and everything in between, even if she was "slacking". The high expectations she held herself to, and the surprise she felt when she would succeed, whether that was getting an RA job, getting a summer internship or getting into grad school. I think about how Naysayer, Banana Slug and I would always talk so proudly about Punk Sister: Yea she was my PA and probably the best I had. Or yea she's been a great leader and RA. Or yea she's going to go far.
And she did go far. I don't like thinking of her life as cut short because she did live it well. Far is relative. But unfortunately, it's relative to us, and we are still her, watching time press onward away from her.
So for the second time in a year, I mourn the loss of a former PA, a colleague and a friend. I talked about my friend dying a year ago last January. That loss had been coming, and I had just gone to a prayer service about when she passed the next day. This one was a surprise. I had just talked to a professor who knew Punk Sister mutually THIS WEEK. I had been thinking about her, and even though we hadn't talked directly what with the madness of grad school, being several states apart, and her minimal facebook activity, I will always feel a bond with her.
So blogging is one way I mourn, if you knew her and need to talk, vent, or whatever, please feel free to call or chat. Take a chance to appreciate those around, tell them you love them, thank God for life given. I feel no anger or resentment at death, though I know others can and will, so pray for them if you are the praying time, and keep Punk Sister's family in your thoughts. Because as much as I can't help make this blog seem like its all about me and the tragedy of the loss of my friend, it is not about me at all. It is about her family, and those she touched who have lost her spunky, fearless, fun, tell it as it is manner, and are left with great memories and the hope of something better beyond.
Next week, I'll recap the otherwise lovely weekend I had and the wonderful people in my life who made it happen. Thank you for that. You are loved. For now, I'm just going to remain contemplative and prayerful, and try to honor the memory of the life of Punk Sister.
Some words hit you like needle, sharp and painful at first but not too deep, just nagging.
Some words don't hit you but hug you like your comforting mother after you've scraped you knee.
And sometimes words feel like your leg falling asleep, at first you are numb and you think you can walk it off but you get a weird tingling sensation that you aren't sure if its going to hurt or just be a throbbing slightly crippling sensation for a while.
That last one was how I felt when I learned Punk Sister died this weekend.
While she was not my actual biological sister, she was someone I was good friends with for a time while I supervised her back at the University. I don't bestow the term sister loosely (whatever Cheeky Monkey may think), and Punk was someone I not only had the pleasure of mentoring and watching be oh so successful in her jobs at University, but she was someone I could talk and confide in, and share bits of insight I couldn't necessary impart on all staff members. Moreover, between myself and Naysayer P Squirrel, we were excited to help her get into graduate school in Colorado for Higher Education and Student Affairs. So she would be my sister and colleague in the very field I'm in still, graduating at the same time as me. Instead, she has a heart attack that her body couldn't bounce back from.
When you get that numbing, throbbing news, for me at least passing the word on feels like you are in a dog pile and another person just jumped on top, you can feel the pressure pushing down on top of you and telling someone else heavy, tragic news just adds a weight of sadness. Everyone reacts the same, stunned silence and shock. It weighs on you.
I heard the news at 4:30am. Why was I still awake? I guess luck and the weekend nature of my nocturnal stupidity worked in my favor. To hear Naysayer P Squirrel with tears in his throat, who'd just returned from celebrating his birthday to such horrible news, hurts. He was even closer to Punk Sister than I was, having worked with her the longest. Steakhouse was on staff with her. The new numbed her too. I had to pass the word to Heavy Spy and Tenshi, who also worked closely with her and Steakhouse. I passed word to Chai Ducky, who share that staff bond with me and her. In fact, on our last week on staff together, Chai Ducky, Punk Sister and I went out for tacos for the first time as just friends and not supervisor supervisee. That was my next reaction to the throbbing, remembering the good times.
Like all the staff videos to introduce her to her residents. Like the extra leadership clips Punk Sister worked on over the summer such as RAbot. When I first got to know her on my first day as a supervisor, when she and Naysayer were talking about craziness of Degrassi, which she had been watching all summer long for the slow office assistant days. How she would always be on top of her programs and passives and everything in between, even if she was "slacking". The high expectations she held herself to, and the surprise she felt when she would succeed, whether that was getting an RA job, getting a summer internship or getting into grad school. I think about how Naysayer, Banana Slug and I would always talk so proudly about Punk Sister: Yea she was my PA and probably the best I had. Or yea she's been a great leader and RA. Or yea she's going to go far.
And she did go far. I don't like thinking of her life as cut short because she did live it well. Far is relative. But unfortunately, it's relative to us, and we are still her, watching time press onward away from her.
So for the second time in a year, I mourn the loss of a former PA, a colleague and a friend. I talked about my friend dying a year ago last January. That loss had been coming, and I had just gone to a prayer service about when she passed the next day. This one was a surprise. I had just talked to a professor who knew Punk Sister mutually THIS WEEK. I had been thinking about her, and even though we hadn't talked directly what with the madness of grad school, being several states apart, and her minimal facebook activity, I will always feel a bond with her.
So blogging is one way I mourn, if you knew her and need to talk, vent, or whatever, please feel free to call or chat. Take a chance to appreciate those around, tell them you love them, thank God for life given. I feel no anger or resentment at death, though I know others can and will, so pray for them if you are the praying time, and keep Punk Sister's family in your thoughts. Because as much as I can't help make this blog seem like its all about me and the tragedy of the loss of my friend, it is not about me at all. It is about her family, and those she touched who have lost her spunky, fearless, fun, tell it as it is manner, and are left with great memories and the hope of something better beyond.
Next week, I'll recap the otherwise lovely weekend I had and the wonderful people in my life who made it happen. Thank you for that. You are loved. For now, I'm just going to remain contemplative and prayerful, and try to honor the memory of the life of Punk Sister.
<3
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