This weekend i was a bum. I stayed inside almost the entire time, emerging for food and church. I watched a lot of netflix, youtube and played video games. I did a little bit of homework, exercised and caught up with some friends back home. But overall i consider it a bit too low key a weekend. I could have call some friends up or gone out to explore a bit but the weather here has been pretty sad: cold rainy overcast and windy. Basically if the weather is good in SoCal its bad here and vice versa, which tells you how many good days we have.
I say all these things because last week (yesterdays) post was about how i'm still a nine year old in some senses and this one is how as an "adult" I should deal with adult things, some of which i will discuss here. And yet even as an adult I still manage to totally waste a weekend away on nothing. More importantly, as I was listening to Louis CK on Netflix discuss how he was an idiot (and simultaneously proving he was also very intelligent) I was struck by his sense of self understanding, regardless of how fabricated or not it was.
Which brings me to my heavy self-addressed question (as opposed to pondering turtles and dinosaurs). I don't really think of myself as a bum. But I found myself acting like one, and lacking motivation to stop being a bum. In all our classes, we have discussed student development theories many of which revolved around developing identity. One of my leadership courses describes a Social Change Model, which is broken into Self-Group-Community. We talk a lot about knowing self. It's the oldest bit of advice, found in the Temple of Apollo: Know Thyself. Well since I've been teaching my students about this lesson, I've been trying to make a more conscious effort of knowing who I am. I associate that with adulthood though I also know, now that I'm older that adults don't know all the answers. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't at least know who we are.
So, when I ask my students to describe themselves, given them suggestions like race, gender, orientation, etc., I know I can answer those questions in my sleep. I also know how to instantly go deeper and thing OK if I say I am multiracial, let's unpack that a bit into what it means to have French German Mexican and Panamanian blood. For example, French means pre-Civil War ties to New Orleans and Louisiana, Great grandparents who never learned English. Slave owners who were still friend with the African American individuals generations after slavery ended. It means having good and bad values in my history. And for me today, it means a random affinity to the Saints football team sometimes, an intense love for gumbo, beignets, and jambalaya, and and understanding that the story of Brer Fox and Brer rabbit (from Splash Mountain) is an old family story not just a ride. And that's just unpacking one tiny aspect of myself.
But I am at the point where I've unpacked certain parts pretty often for class, but there's other sides of my I've never really thought about, consciously. And sometimes there's a disconnect with how I see who I am and how I act or how others see me. I don't see myself as a bum. But when I think back on my study habits, work habits, and even look around at the cleanliness of my tiny room, I see I procrastinate an extraordinary amount, and often when I do work I try for the fastest way, not necessarily the best way (though in my head I know I am capable of being the best). I consider myself in shape, but I don't really work out or go to the gym, and haven't really run around outside. I perceive myself as a good friend, but sometimes I neglect being in contact with friends for a long time. We all see ourselves as the protagonist in our own unfolding stories. It's time I started analyzing my character development and turning this adventure into a lucid dream. And that's going to start with some prayer and reflection. And a bit of self disciplining. One thing that lines up with consciousness and subconsciouness: I can be stubborn, and maybe I can use that to my advantage.
So I don't know if I have an action plan. But I do know I'm going to continue consciously self analyzing, and probably writing a lot about it in this blog. I also find great benefit in verbal discussion, which I've been trying to tell my classmates is what we could be doing after class! Dandy Woo and I had a great talk about how we fall on the scale of social justice activism, seeing ourselves as more individual change people rather than change system type people (which is sometimes the message of what we should be here in school). Looking forward to making the most of this grad school thing. I haven't been on a retreat in a while :)
-JTY
Special prayers for Sunshine Knives and her family, who are going through a pretty rough patch. I makes me remember to count my blessings and be thankful for the many things I take for granted.
Listening to: The Legend of Korra, which I've already watched but wanted in the background because of the great music.
Reading: The Rights of Youth- a book about college protestors during the colonial period. And you thought you were soooo coool Berkeley.
Playing: League of Legends with Spam Boa tonight. Quite fun, which was really nice.
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